Nessie's Mom
by howlsatthemoon
Summary: "Jakey, tell me how you met my mother." "Well, it's a long story..." Nessie's gonna wish she never asked. / Don't read if you don't have a sense of humor.


_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Kind of proud._

I just...have too much free time on my hands. But you have to admit, the whole Nessie/Jake thing? I bet a certain horny vampire-romance author was inspired by Stacy's Mom.

* * *

"_Stacy's mom has got it goin' on  
__She's all I want and I've waited for so long  
__Stacy, can't you see, you're just not the girl for me  
__I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with  
__Stacy's mom."_

* * *

"Jakey-poo…"

Jacob Black groaned and turned around to face his wife. Of course, to the rest of the school, they were boyfriend-girlfriend, because announcing that they were married at seventeen and fifteen would give them an immediate pass to the Planned Parenthood clinic. But here at home, they were married. Unfortunately, the ring felt like a time bomb on Jake's finger.

"Jakey!" Uh-oh. Renesmee was getting antsy. You don't mess with a PMSing half-vampire married to a werewolf. Why? You just don't.

He took a deep, calming breath, and presented himself to his wife. "Yes, Nessie?"

"Tell me how you met my mother," She demanded, smiling.

Jake laughed. "Well, it's a long story…"

"I have time."

"Alright," Jacob began the long, stalker-ish, slightly disturbing story of how he fell in love with his girlfriend's mother.

"You see, I was really little when I first met her. Like, I was about seven and a half, and she was maybe ten…"

Renesmee interrupted, "Why do boys always add the 'and a half'? I mean, it's like, so stupid, and…"

"Don't interrupt woman! Anyway, so, she was like, three years older than me, but the first thing I thought in my head when I saw her was, 'Damn, she is_ fiiiine_!' She was swimming with my sisters at the beach, but I had a sunburn so I could only sit on the sand and watch, but she was wearing this tiny little bikini and she was sooo hot and – "

"Uhh… I don't think I wanna hear this story anymore…"

Jacob rolled his eyes, exasperated. "You asked for the story, Nessie! Now, don't interrupt, I told you! This is a good story."

Renesmee simply rolled her eyes, and motioned for him to continue with how he fell in love with her mother.

"And so, she left for Florida for like, seven years and never came back, but when she did, oh. My. God. She was even _hotter_!I mean, they didn't make them like that in Forks, except for the Cullens, and I would never stoop so low as to date a _vampire…"_

His wife sent him a death glare, and he chuckled nervously.

"Of course, except for you honey," He saved himself. "Anyway, so, all the guys were totally in love with her, and maybe a couple girls too, but I knew I was the one she wanted. I could just tell. But for a while, she dated Edward, your dad, so I was just like, oh well. Screw dat. Imma get me some other fine babe.

"But like, a year later, old Eddie ditched her. He told me it was for her own safety, but I bet he was probably at some club hiring hookers or something. Anyway, while he was gone, I was like, this is mah chance! So I took it, and I ended up making your mother fall in love with me for a while. Yeah, I'm just that good. Imagine that – a sixteen year old boy making an eighteen year old girl fall in love with him – I'm pretty good, huh?

"But then, Ed came back, so, because your mother's weak and desperate, she took him back, and the year after that was just me pining away for your mom and your dad being totally abusive and overprotective and not letting me have her. Yeah. And then when Breaking Dawn came – "

Renesmee stopped his voice with her hand and spoke. "Wait… What's Breaking Dawn? A book or something?"

Jake stared at her like she was the dumbest half-vampire in the entire world. Of course, since there were only two, she probably was, because that other guy seemed pretty smart. "Psh… We're totally normal. There's no books written about us. Shut up, Nessie. Don't be so paranoid. Besides, if anyone wrote a book about us, it'd be titled 'The Totally Awesome Tale of Jacob Black' or something like that. Now, let me go on with the story!

"So, when that _time period _came, I was just like, I hate my life. I want to die. You know, emo stuff like that. And your dad was totally wack-o; he really hated you. Wanted your mom to get an abortion, child-hating things like that. He even asked me to have sex with your mother, make little puppies with her. Wouldn't that have been so wrong, like, when Bella had you, I imprinted? Can you say INCEST?

"But after your mom had you, I imprinted, blah-blah-blah, love at first sight, music playing in the background, and here we are today. So, for the eighteen years before you were born, I thought your mom had it going on."

Renesmee eyed him carefully. "You still don't think that, do you?"

Jacob blushed and laughed. "Psh. Yeah, right. Don't be such a weenie, Ness. I love you."

Nessie smiled. "Okay, baby. I'm gonna go shopping with Auntie Alice now. I'll see you later." She kissed him on the cheek and left the room.

As soon as his wife was out of sight, Jake chuckled and began to sing.

**"Renesmee's mom has got it goin' on  
Renesmee's mom has got it goin' on  
Renesmee's mom has got it goin' on  
Renesmee's mom has got it goin' on**

**"Nessie, can I come over after school?  
We can hang around by La P-P-P-Push  
Has she gotten my poem about her secret admirer?  
Is she here, or is she having fun with her vampire**

**"You know, I'm not the little puppy that I used to be  
I'm the big bad wolf now, can't you see?**

**"Renesmee's mom has got it goin' on  
Bella's all I want and I've waited for so long  
Nessie, can't you see you're just not the girl for me  
I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with my wife's mom**

**"Renesmee's mom has got it goin' on  
Renesmee's mom has got it goin' on**

**"Nessie, do you remember when I was obsessed with your mom?  
Oh wait, no you don't, you weren't even born  
I wonder if she was using me to build her a bike  
Don't you think her and Kirsten Stewart look a lot alike?**

**"And I know that you think it's just a fantasy  
But since Edward walked out, your mom could use a guy like me**

**"Nessie's mom has got it goin' on  
Bella's all I want, and I've waited so long  
Renesmee, can't you see you're just not the girl for me  
I know it might be wrong,  
but I'm in love with my wife's mom**

**Nessie's mom has got it goin' on  
Bells is all I want and I've waited for so long,  
Renesmee, can't you see you're just not the girl for me,  
I know it might be wrong but  
I'm in love with  
I'm in love with my wife's mom…"**


End file.
